The Bachelor Party Commandments – Your Guide to No Regret

What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas:  How far you can go? 


The bachelor party, often said to be the last true days as a free man.  Given the popularity of the Hangover movies, it’s clear to what the Bachelor Party means in today’s pop culture.  Bachelor parties can go in many directions depending on group wavelength of your groomsmen and the table setting starts early. 

While I don’t think any of us plan on getting our faces tattooed, many excited first timers do wonder “what happening and staying in Vegas” really means.  The phrase itself is really just a metaphor to general bro code.  I thought it worthwhile to develop some guidelines around mutually acceptable activities within the rights of that code.  The come off may be a tad edgy, but otherwise what fun could we really have with this?  All is balanced off with the moral fiber ingrained via many years of Catholic school. 

Totally Game – Making Out With a Random Girl

Making out with a random girl.  This is your last day as a free man, isn’t it?  It’s one last time to really get that ego stroked.  Afterwards, the line is drawn at flirting, which is just so restricting.  This practice is what many vets like to call “catch and release”, a wonderful bass fishing analogy which suggests that it’s more about the sport than it is about the kill.  It’s the seduction of the chase, out there on that dance floor at 3am eyeballing the hottie still able to stand, putting out your yeti mating call – that’s 90% of the fun.  Seeing it through to some good ol’ tongue wrestling should be enough satisfaction that you are one fine hunter.  


Marginally Acceptable (The gray area) – Taking Girls Back To You and Your Groomsmen’s Room

Taking that girl back to the room.  The problem is simply that most guys won’t have the will power to stop there.  Vegas is kryptonite to will power.  The first step to hedge against all loss thereof is just not putting you in a place where it can be challenged too easy.  While it may seem fun to continue the early stages of the mating ritual in privacy, most of us know that you’ll start thinking with your boner at this point.   There is no room for boners in bass fishing. 


Over the Line (Forbidden in the bro code Ten Commandments) – Anything That Might Allow You to Get an STD

Well, not sure there is much explanation needed on this one.  Pretty much the cardinal rule on this one, if you can contract an STD, it’s off limits.

Totally Game – Strippers

Not sure there is anything that symbolizes a bachelor party like the stripper.  They come in different shapes, colors, sizes and provide different “services”.   In a place like Vegas, you can likely find a Belgian midget able to perform an upside down lap dance to any KanyeWest song of your choice.  Now the difference between the stripper and the random girl is that strippers do it for the dollar.  So there is a bit more unexplained leeway here – don’t ask, there just is.  General take is that line is drawn at busting a nut outside of your pants.  Now if this can be accomplished in contained fashion, no more appropriate word than “victory”. 

Marginally Acceptable – More Then 10 Lap Dances With The Same Stripper

There are some frisky ones out there liable of getting caught up in the moment( 2nd Pour Some Sugar on Me chorus) and looking for love in all the wrong places.  This is usually about 9-10 lap dances in where you start looking like a knight in armor and that 400 dollars you just blew on way too many Aerosmith songs starts feeling like love.  Just stop.

Over the Line – Going To Far With A Stripper

Apparently, what most women dread isn’t the physical interaction, it’s that darn emotional exchange.  Well strippers have no emotions.  Behind those enticing eyes is an ice queen who only sees dollar signs.  This is their livelihood and their opportunity to put a meal on the table for what is likely a couple kids  had just before dropping out of high school.   A good stripper can tease a stiffy like a snake charmer a cobra, just enough.   It’s your call if you want to take it out of your pants and risk detonation. 


Totally Game – Brothels

The chicken ranch, whoa nelly, talk about menus.  Brothels have been a part of history for a reason, a paid service with no strings attached.  It’s here where you can find endless options .  If a bubble bath in lime jello with adjoined triplets is your thing, it’s not absurd in the outer Vegas flats.   The right approach here is finding the comedy in the experience without crossing the line.  Have your bubble bath, enjoy the triplets, but remain a spectator, a close spectator.  

Marginally Acceptable – Twister

A little Slip and slide, some Twister, as long as what counts is covered, can work.  

Over the Line – Contracting a STD

Again, follow the STD rule of thumb and realize that while these vixens that seem like so much fun,  they have a “clientele”.  That clientele is mainly made up of regulars named Wilbur who are driving semi automatic trucks cross country for a living.  

Totally Game – Mind Altering Drugs

Last but not least, mind altering  drugs.  Not all of us go in this direction to begin with, but Vegas has a way of putting it out there.   Don’t do anything you haven’t done before.  There is so much stimulation in Vegas, pushing this too far can only lead to really bad things. 

Bottom line, have your fun, make the most of your bachelor party and make it a memorable day with your groomsmen.  Just take precaution against anything that may end up on Facebook and ruin your life.  Keep it Vegas classy.